Archives For travel

Nobody warns you how much penguin porn you’re going to see in Antarctica. Yeah, the travel agent or an article may mention it’s mating season, but you really aren’t properly prepared for the sheer amount of raw animal sex in public.

My voyage to the nether polar regions coincided with the start of the nesting period, when Gentoo penguins are setting up their love shacks and seeking a partner to keep warm. Cruise travellers get to watch, up close and far too personal, how this courtship unfolds…

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On a ship with hundreds or thousands of people, you’re bound to bump into a few duds. The stalker couple who are somehow ALWAYS EVERYWHERE you go. Don and Dorothy from Dullsville. The drunk, deluded bogan who thinks you’re his new best mate. The slurring, sloppy cougar. The racist, sexist pig who’s rude to all the waiters. The bragging wankers in the owner’s suite. That stalker couple AGAIN.

Nobody wants their holiday ruined by fellow travellers who just don’t get the hint. So, here are my 6 recommended ways to escape the cruisers from hell.

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Over the weekend I was named Best Travel Writer at AFTA’s National Travel Industry Awards, held in Sydney, Australia. Total shock, but a great thrill and honour. So just a quick thanks to Craig Owens, of Cruise Office, for nominating me, and Quentin Long, publisher of International Traveller, for commissioning the winning story.

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I’m disappointed by my butler’s name: Greg.

I knew he wouldn’t ever live up to my fantasy of a butler called Jeeves. But really, Greg? That’s the best you can do? His six-foot height, handsome face and tuxedo help, but not enough. I want a top hat and tails if you’re going to have the same name as a Brady.

Minutes later I have to hide my glee when Greg explains that he is not my butler; that my real butler is on his lunch break, and his name is Viktor. With a K. Now we’re talking.

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Out of 40 cruises, I have done about half by myself. Don’t pity me, it’s my job! But it’s allowed me to learn many ways to handle the seemingly strange situation of sailing solo.
Here are my top 10 tips, gathered over the past five years.

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First up, let me declare, I’m not going to bore you to tears with the usual crap you read about cruising. I will take you below deck, getting the goss from crew and passengers, to show you what it’s really like at sea (or river). The Cruisey Life: Uncensored.

My mantra is “what happens onboard stays online”. That means I can be my cheeky self; audaciously honest. And I’m not afraid to blog it.

So, step aboard the Goodship Goldsbury as we sail toward The Cruisey Life…

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