Archives For ship

A “hostitute” is a saucy, scandalous combination of a dance host and a prostitute. Now, I am not saying such people exist on cruise ships. Someone else told me that.

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It was midnight at the jacuzzi…as all good stories begin…and I snuck in, ignoring the closed sign, with my friend. The ship was crossing between Australia and New Zealand, a typically windy stretch of sea, and I was carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. I placed them down on the side of the hot tub as I climbed in, when suddenly a gust of wind blew them into the water! We rescued the wine and one glass but couldn’t find the other one. That’s when things got much, much worse….

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I’m disappointed by my butler’s name: Greg.

I knew he wouldn’t ever live up to my fantasy of a butler called Jeeves. But really, Greg? That’s the best you can do? His six-foot height, handsome face and tuxedo help, but not enough. I want a top hat and tails if you’re going to have the same name as a Brady.

Minutes later I have to hide my glee when Greg explains that he is not my butler; that my real butler is on his lunch break, and his name is Viktor. With a K. Now we’re talking.

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It’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog, thanks to a hectic month of travel and deadlines, so I’ll reward you with a juicy story about a naughty ship’s captain, who shall remain unnamed, from a ship that shall remain unnamed. We met at a cocktail party, where past passengers get the chance to mingle with the officers.

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You’ve seen them – the impossibly good-looking couples, the silver foxes and their glamorous (20 years younger) wives…
Well, guess what, cruisers – I’m here to tell you they are REAL!!! How do I know? Because I boarded a cruise and THERE THEY WERE. Four models, on the ship, enjoying a bottle of wine in the lounge.

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I’ve been speaking on radio stations, today and last night, about the two young people who have gone missing from Carnival Spirit off Australia’s east coast. My blog about deaths at sea has led to some interesting research.

So, how closely are you being monitored while on a ship? A big ship has hundreds of cameras watching your every move – everywhere except inside your cabin. They can also see inside your balcony (so any couple who’s been swept away by the romance of sea, yep, there’s a good chance the officers were watching you from the bridge).

Problem is, there are not 600 security staff to watch 600 cameras, and it only takes a couple of seconds to fall from the 10th deck into the ocean – like leaping from a skyscraper.

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I met an Australian woman who was surprised to discover she had bought some very expensive diamonds on an Alaskan cruise.
“Do you remember what you did last night?” her friend asked her.
“Uhhh, when?”
“You bought those diamond earrings.”
“What?”
“From the diamond salesman we met on the ship. You were pretty drunk and you started bargaining with him,” her friends said.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Look in your pocket.”

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Given the older age of many passengers on certain cruise lines, it’s not surprising to lose one or two along the way. On a recent Caribbean cruise, I witnessed three people (in varying stages of life or death) get carried off the ship.

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Last night, Royal Caribbean announced its latest godmother for its new ship. Apart from the fact I hate the name Quantum of the Seas (seriously, could there be a more boring word for your holiday destination than a physics term??), I also have no idea who Kristin Chenoweth is…

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In the online spirit of over-sharing, I will divulge the disgraceful and spread the scandalous at sea. But no names – it’s all anonymous fun. So sign up with your email address to read all about it!

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Gossip to come:
1. Lured astray by the Captain.
2. The secret life of “hostitutes”.
3. In hot water in a hot tub with a priest.
And much, much more…

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