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On a ship with hundreds or thousands of people, you’re bound to bump into a few duds. The stalker couple who are somehow ALWAYS EVERYWHERE you go. Don and Dorothy from Dullsville. The drunk, deluded bogan who thinks you’re his new best mate. The slurring, sloppy cougar. The racist, sexist pig who’s rude to all the waiters. The bragging wankers in the owner’s suite. That stalker couple AGAIN.

Nobody wants their holiday ruined by fellow travellers who just don’t get the hint. So, here are my 6 recommended ways to escape the cruisers from hell.

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Oh, you’re one of those people. Never been on a cruise and never would. Never been on a cruise but have a strong opinion about it. Never been on a cruise but somehow you’re sure it’s not for you. Your friend told you about their P&O holiday. You watched The Love Boat. You just know. Oh, really??

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