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‘She’s a Cougar’
By Mick Meredith
Performed on Pacific Pearl, P&O comedy cruise, Sydney, 17/8/13

she’s middle aged but that’s something you should not mention
she’s been nipped and tucked and botoxed and her boobs stand to attention
she’ll molest you on the dancefloor, just relax, it’s her foreplay
she’s rarely seen after nightfall not sucking on a chardonnay
short skirt, high heels and cleavage, no she don’t need camouflage
she does zumba and bikram yoga to prevent that sagging ass
she only hunts down the man cubs 15 years her junior
she’s a horny battle cat but oh no she’s not a puma,
she’s a toyboy consumer
ooh she’s the cougar!

if you’ve just sprouted pubes she’ll probably do ya
with platinum hair and lipstick red
well she’ll do you on her waterbed
ooh she’s the cougar

they’re not fake fingernails they’re her cougar hunting claws
her man taste is post-puberty now she’s pre-menopause
you can coerce her with a cocktail – that’s cougar medication
if you manage to tag a cougar you could probably quit masturbation
she’ll chase you like a cheetah, ride you like a reptile
the cougar, she’s a feline but she likes doggy style
for a little while, (then she’ll pounce on top)
ooh she’s the cougar

from a distance she looks young
don’t let it fool ya
she’s a cashed-up MILF, don’t have a care
except lasering her grey pubic hair
ooh she’s the cougar

but the cougar she can never be tamed
men have tried but their knobs have been maimed
she will never age gracefully
while she’s got cash for plastic surgery
ooh she’s the cougar

she’ll finish you off under the doona
she’s old enough to be your mum
she’s got a tramp stamp above her bum
ooh she’s the cougar

she will hunt you down like Freddy Krueger
when it comes to carbs she don’t each much
she’d rather meat, she doesnt chew, she sucks
ooh she’s the cougar
she will do ya
like Freddy Krueger
she’s a cougar……

Lyrics sourced from


Louise Goldsbury

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In 2013 I was named Best Travel Writer at the National Travel Industry Awards. And until someone corrects me, I'm claiming to be the youngest cruise editor in the Southern Hemisphere. Editor of Cruise Weekly since 2009, I also contribute to Sydney's Sun Herald newspaper and various travel magazines and websites.

One response to SHE’S A COUGAR

  1. Ah, but does she have what Tony Abbott calls “sex appeal”?

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