SHE’S A COUGAR

10:00 am — 1 Comment

The highlight of P&O’s three-night comedy cruise was a song about cougars, frequently spotted hunting cubs in boardshorts on pool decks or drunk-dancing in ship nightclubs. I say, you go, girls! The performance was most appreciated by the over-40s women in the audience, who cheered and screamed and laughed and pointed at themselves. I am cougar, here me roar!

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P&O is adding an intriguing activity to its Australian-based ships. No kidding, it is called ‘Titanic Moment’. But it won’t have anything to do with sinking the ship in icy waters. Passengers will simply have the chance to go out on the bow (usually out of bounds on P&O) and re-enact that iconic movie scene where Leo and Kate…I mean, Jack and Rose…stand on the bow, arms outstretched, sailing into the sunset.

titanic-07

Another cool new thing to try is climbing up the ship’s funnel. Makes other rock-climbing walls seem a little dull in comparison. Personally I’ve never seen the appeal of climbing up a wall. There’s an elevator, people!

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Why do we eat more at sea? Does the salty air stimulate our inner Porky Pig? Is it because we want to get our fare’s worth of food? Or do we just eat it because it’s there – and it’s free?
Like cows, our “cruise stomach” seems to find extra compartments, and we pile on the dreaded “cruise kilos”.

Most cruisers go through three stages, from good intentions, to giving in, to giving up. Some people last longer than others, but most crumble at the first sight of a menu.

This is an hour-by-hour breakdown of how it usually goes…

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A list of transfers to White Bay Cruise Terminal in Sydney. Because nobody else has one!

UPDATED INFO (December 2013) at www.whitebaysydney.com

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On a ship with hundreds or thousands of people, you’re bound to bump into a few duds. The stalker couple who are somehow ALWAYS EVERYWHERE you go. Don and Dorothy from Dullsville. The drunk, deluded bogan who thinks you’re his new best mate. The slurring, sloppy cougar. The racist, sexist pig who’s rude to all the waiters. The bragging wankers in the owner’s suite. That stalker couple AGAIN.

Nobody wants their holiday ruined by fellow travellers who just don’t get the hint. So, here are my 6 recommended ways to escape the cruisers from hell.

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Last night, Australian TV screened a documentary about the sinking of the Costa Concordia in 2012. While I posted my reactions on Twitter, I found a link to this great song about it: “What Was He Thinking?” by Kenny Giordano.

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Over the weekend I was named Best Travel Writer at AFTA’s National Travel Industry Awards, held in Sydney, Australia. Total shock, but a great thrill and honour. So just a quick thanks to Craig Owens, of Cruise Office, for nominating me, and Quentin Long, publisher of International Traveller, for commissioning the winning story.

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A “hostitute” is a saucy, scandalous combination of a dance host and a prostitute. Now, I am not saying such people exist on cruise ships. Someone else told me that.

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It was midnight at the jacuzzi…as all good stories begin…and I snuck in, ignoring the closed sign, with my friend. The ship was crossing between Australia and New Zealand, a typically windy stretch of sea, and I was carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. I placed them down on the side of the hot tub as I climbed in, when suddenly a gust of wind blew them into the water! We rescued the wine and one glass but couldn’t find the other one. That’s when things got much, much worse….

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I’m disappointed by my butler’s name: Greg.

I knew he wouldn’t ever live up to my fantasy of a butler called Jeeves. But really, Greg? That’s the best you can do? His six-foot height, handsome face and tuxedo help, but not enough. I want a top hat and tails if you’re going to have the same name as a Brady.

Minutes later I have to hide my glee when Greg explains that he is not my butler; that my real butler is on his lunch break, and his name is Viktor. With a K. Now we’re talking.

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