Archives For Confessions

I love a good survey of cruise passenger complaints. This latest research reveals what makes cruisers “lose their ship”, shall we say!
The #1 whinge is hilarious, the #2 is not surprising on certain ships, and I have never witnessed #3.

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Call me a she-devil but I really enjoy watching people almost miss ships or planes. And I’m not the only one.
“Pier running” has become a daily event on a cruise, and passengers will sit on the top deck or their balcony to catch the free show!

Around 15 minutes before departure from a port, we all go out there to see who’s late and sprinting down the wharf. Without fail, at least one couple (but often 10 or more people) will be legging it, stressed out of their minds, or jumping out of taxis. Some stragglers just make it back with a minute to spare. The looks on their burning red faces, when it turns to relief, is priceless.

Truth is, I was once a pier-runner. It was HORRIBLE.

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A “hostitute” is a saucy, scandalous combination of a dance host and a prostitute. Now, I am not saying such people exist on cruise ships. Someone else told me that.

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It was midnight at the jacuzzi…as all good stories begin…and I snuck in, ignoring the closed sign, with my friend. The ship was crossing between Australia and New Zealand, a typically windy stretch of sea, and I was carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. I placed them down on the side of the hot tub as I climbed in, when suddenly a gust of wind blew them into the water! We rescued the wine and one glass but couldn’t find the other one. That’s when things got much, much worse….

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It’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog, thanks to a hectic month of travel and deadlines, so I’ll reward you with a juicy story about a naughty ship’s captain, who shall remain unnamed, from a ship that shall remain unnamed. We met at a cocktail party, where past passengers get the chance to mingle with the officers.

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A Californian man, well into his sixties, approaches me after dinner and whispers into my ear: “Excuse me, but I was wondering if you would like to share a little something I picked up in Amsterdam?”

Surely he doesn’t mean what I think he means.

We arrange to meet on the ship’s top deck in ten minutes, but it still comes as a surprise when I see exactly what I had expected: the orange glow of a pipe – and not the kind my grandfather used to smoke.
In that unforeseen moment, under moonlight on the Rhine, I am relieved of all concerns that cruising is only for boring old people.

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Our husbands let us spend so much of their money on diamonds in Skagway, Alaska. They were so well rewarded for their generosity that we renamed it Shagway.

Australian cruise passenger, anonymous

I met an Australian woman who was surprised to discover she had bought some very expensive diamonds on an Alaskan cruise.
“Do you remember what you did last night?” her friend asked her.
“Uhhh, when?”
“You bought those diamond earrings.”
“What?”
“From the diamond salesman we met on the ship. You were pretty drunk and you started bargaining with him,” her friends said.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Look in your pocket.”

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Last night, Royal Caribbean announced its latest godmother for its new ship. Apart from the fact I hate the name Quantum of the Seas (seriously, could there be a more boring word for your holiday destination than a physics term??), I also have no idea who Kristin Chenoweth is…

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In the online spirit of over-sharing, I will divulge the disgraceful and spread the scandalous at sea. But no names – it’s all anonymous fun. So sign up with your email address to read all about it!

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Gossip to come:
1. Lured astray by the Captain.
2. The secret life of “hostitutes”.
3. In hot water in a hot tub with a priest.
And much, much more…

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